It’s the beginning of my third trimester and I still haven’t taken the time to write about my pregnancy. It’s been such a huge part of my life over the past 6+ months but I haven’t properly documented it. There are no weekly bump photos with cute chalkboard signs about what size fruit the baby is this week, no symptom trackers, and no record of any cravings or mood swings. I keep up with all that on a few apps when I’m in the mood but have made it a point not to Google too much because inevitably the conclusion will be that I need to seek immediate medical attention for a runny nose.
When you share so much about yourself on the internet, sometimes it’s nice to take a step back and revel in those private moments that are transformative. That’s the reason why we waited until the 20 week mark to even announce our pregnancy to the world. We began to tell close family after my first scan at nearly 11 weeks. It’s hard to believe 17 weeks have passed already since Alex and I let anyone in on our little secret. I had a lot of apprehensions about sharing our news. We’ve seen a lot of people struggle with fertility and loss so in some ways I felt guilty that it was so easy for us at the beginning. It wasn’t until about my 3rd doctor’s appointment that it really began to sink in that yes indeed, there is a little baby bee growing inside me. I really struggled with not being able to see or feel the baby until those first convincing kicks at the 19 week mark. Sharing our news also really put into perspective those people in our lives that fully support us and are happy for us versus those who maybe aren’t at the same stage in their life and by default unable to share in the joy we are experiencing. Oh, and did I mention the amount of “you’re crazy” remarks we’ve received upon announcing that we are not planning to find out the baby’s sex until delivery, hosting an extravagant gender reveal party for the sake of a good Instagram video, or sharing the names we’ve picked out so that every onesie can be gifted with a monogram? We’re a bit untraditionally traditional in that regard.
I’m incredibly grateful that I’ve had a relatively easy pregnancy thus far having avoided any real morning sickness, weight gain, or swelling. With that said, I know that this last trimester may be a bit more trying, especially through the heat of the summer. There have been days where I’ve experienced frustration at growing aches and pains, sharp round ligament pains, a Charlie horse that jolted me out of my sleep, not being able to sleep in general because of the pressure on my hips or multiple trips to the bathroom during the night, and of course the discouragement that comes with feeling out of breath at the top of a flight of stairs or not being able to walk for miles like I once could.
I’ve really had to take a step back to focus on myself and my health and to be sure that I’m resting enough... especially during the 1st trimester when it seemed like 10+ hours of sleep plus a few naps still wasn’t enough. I can’t remember ever feeling so tired in my life. Taking more time for myself has made me slow down and enjoy simpler things and get used to spending time at home or with family. As someone who rarely spent a weekend at home on the couch or catching up on chores, it has honestly been a huge adjustment to get used to not filling every second of my free time. In a weird way, it’s made me become more stress-free, less worrisome, more confident and happier.
In the past few weeks we said goodbye to my father-in-law after a long, courageous battle with FTD, more formally known in the medical world as frontotemporal degeneration. It’s not something my husband or I have been particularly vocal about, even amongst our close friends, but it’s something that has greatly affected our family dynamic. Over the last 6 years of seeing him struggle with this disease, I’ve learned to really appreciate the parents that he and my mother-in-law were and are to my husband, especially my mother-in-law’s unwavering dedication and selfless acts of service as she cared for him despite his progressively deteriorating condition. I hope that Alex and I can be half the parents to our little one that they were to him. Death is bittersweet. It’s difficult to lose the ones we love but I’m grateful for the way it has forced us to reflect on the things we value most. We are incredibly sad that our little one will grow up without ever knowing their Pops but I’m sure they’ll come to know him through the stories we tell and the example he’s set for Alex as a father.
Alex and I are thrilled to become parents. I can’t wait to see how it changes us as individuals and the way we grow as a couple and a team to raise this little baby in a world that is very broken and uncertain. It’s been just the two of us for almost 11 years and I know that this year will mark a huge shift in our relationship but it’s one I’m ready to take on together just like the rest of our joys and trials. There are many days when I am probably more excited to see my husband become a father than I am about becoming a mother myself. I’m hoping to treat myself to a new camera over the summer and get motivated to start documenting all the little moments again on this blog. I know that this season will be one I will want to film and photograph so we can look back on our life as new parents in the years to come.